why doesn’t she leave him?

update: my essay in the huffington post

here is a story about domestic violence in the  home of someone people very well might hope would protect them–ross mirkarimi, the newly appointed sheriff of san francisco county.  

his wife, eliana lopez, was once a telenovela star in venezuela.

abuse can happen to anyone–even a famous, adored, talented woman–and the abuser might be the last person anyone would suspect.  my mother had a phrase she used about someone we knew: “house devil, street angel.”  smiles and a way with words can hide a lot.  what goes on behind closed doors is known only by the family.  if you’ve got a secret that’s hurting you, please ask for help.

the national domestic violence hotline is one really good place to start.

little night takes place in new york city, amid the magical and unexpected wild places in central park.  it also deals with abuse and family secrets.  the question that comes up, so often, is, “why doesn’t she leave him?”  the answer, as anyone who’s ever been there knows, is: it’s hard, so hard.  and the reasons for staying are as varied as the women involved.

it can take a very long time to trust yourself enough and, and to decide to get out.  but when it’s time, it’s time.  listen to yourself, that little voice inside.  believe what he does, not what he says.  actions speak louder than words.

know that you are brave.

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  • Sam Colt

    Thanks for lending your talents to this, Luanne –
    xo sam

    • http://luannerice.net Luanne

      thank you, sam…xxoo

  • Eileen Mackinnon

    The Super Bowl is coming up and it is the most violent time for domestic abuse. I still to this day dislike football and the Super Bowl as my ex-husband was his most violent at this time. When you are abused emtionally and physically you believe your abuser and what they say. You think you cannot do it on your own especially when children are involved. I left after 16 years of abuse and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my three daughters….I did not want them to grow-up thinking that is the way men treat women.

  • Sheri Kowalski

    I was in a DV situation when I was only 18 and didn’t escape until I was 20. I was raped repeatedly, suffered broken bones but most of all I was losing my will to live. Following the last beating I endured and after getting to the hospital, I realized that I was losing this battle. I was so afraid to leave as I had no place to go and my life was always threatened if I even touched the doorknob. I was robbed of my self respect, dignity and self worth. When I looked in the mirror and saw my battered face, I knew that if I stayed, I was going to lose my life anyway. With the help of some wonderful friends & my mother, who are all still in my life to this day, I left & never looked back. I stayed in hiding for around 6 months, but I was held captive for many, many years suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. One day I was able to let it all go and give it to God and I experienced a freedom & forgiveness that I’ve never known before. Today I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. Please do not be afraid to get help, it’s out there for you & just a phone call away. There are shelters that are out there to help keep you safe & move on with your new life! It is so worth it – your life is worth it!!!!

  • http://luannerice.net/2012/01 Lynn L. Amaral

    I got married when i was 18 right out of High School, had a son graduated, I’t was OK in the begging of our 20 years of marriage, than he got controlling i could not go any where with out him knowing where i was going and with who. He started abusing me and my son, when he would yell at me my son would try and help me but he would get it to. He also sexually abuse our oldest daughter, things got worst every year. i ran away more than 10 times with my children, But always went back tried to help him change but that didn’t work. After 35 years being married to him i decided it was time to move on with my life, my children are still here with me. i didn’t know where to get help until my family member helped me get in a Shelter for Abuse Women. I finally divorced him in 2004, and life have been wonderful. My children . And we spend a lot of time together. I work for a Domestic Violence Shelter in Hawaii this my calling. Women there is help out there, and i always say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember it’s never to late. Mahalo from Hawaii

    • http://luannerice.net Luanne

      mahalo, lynn. your life is an inspiration–i’m so glad for the women of hawaii that you’re there for them, and i’m especially glad you found your calling, something that fulfills you.
      thank you to everyone who’s posting here, for telling your stories. i believe that being open about what happened to us can help others who might be going through something similar now.

  • Kat Brinson

    I love that you are standing up against domestic violence, Luanne! An articulate voice is needed to get the message out that if it does not “feel right”, then it is not right! I truly to not understand why some people, feel it is OK to dominate, threaten, humiliate, and strike someone they “say” they love. I even know a few women who practice this insanity, but on the whole it is a section of men who feel it is their birthright. Personally, I believe that girls need to be empowered very early in their lives, way before they begin dating. I never got the message that as a female I deserved respect and kindness, as well as fullfilment in life. I wanted to be a doctor and was informed by my guidance councillor that medical schools did not want women because we just end up pregnant and all that education would be wasted. I was refused application forms, and no internet existed then. So I ended up in a marriage with someone who raped me when he took my virginity, and continued to rape me repeatedly for the next year. I was so naive that although I knew I hated this treatment, I did not know that this was wrong and I should not permit it. I stayed married 20 years to someone who abused alcohol, our money, and me. I like to fantasize about a woman whom I admired, such as a favorite author, had come to my high school and painted a picture of how wonderful life could be for a girl. Maybe my life would have been different. It did not happen for me but it can for future kids. Just my opinion anyway.

  • Libby

    I was in an abusive marriage for seven years. By some standards, the abuse was mild, mostly verbal, but sometimes physical leaving signs such as handprint bruises. I believe that the only reason the abuse was not worse was because I stood up to him. I know that this wouldn’t work in all cases. After the years of constant verbal abuse, hiding bruises, broken furniture…I left and have been happy since then!

  • http://silentwhisper1.blogspot.com/ Dee

    I see strong women here.
    I have not been through what you have, I can only imagine, though when I “do” imagine with my minds-eye I want to cry, however…feeling your words as I do I see the strong women that you’ve become, triumphant in ways that perhaps you’ve only begun to know.though I see dainty flowers in mix.
    I’m very proud to be among such strong women.

    Much and “many” hugs from BC~
    And to you, Luanne, as always-xo

  • Mary

    I was in an abusive marriage for 18 years. You could not see my scars as most of it was emotional abuse. Not that one is “better” than the other but at least with scars it wakes up other people to what is going on. With emotional abuse it’s your word vs theirs and no one believes you. I had called the police numerous times and each time I was told I was being emotional and I should leave him alone. Finally one time my husband finally cracked and I told my son to call 911. My husband was arrested but he was home in 48 hours. This time the police actually did something. They directed me to a crises center. It took me 5 years of group counseling to leave. Even though my children witness this abuse they supported their father. Even to this day they are young adults, they defend him. Women don’t leave because they are afraid to. Abuse destroys your soul, your confidence and your autonomy. You no longer have any kind of self esteem. You no longer believe you are worth anything. The abuser has destroyed all that you are. Even 7 years after leaving I have very little confidence in myself. When I talk about it with my friends and family they have no idea what it was like. They can’t imagine anyone treating another person that way. Even my family questions why I left. Abuse is a very sad and lonely place for a person to be.

  • Rosemary McGinn

    thanks for this and all. seeking (always) to pay it forward.

    • http://luannerice.net Luanne

      thank you, too, r. you helped me so much. lots of love to you and all who go through this.

  • Kelly Payne

    Wow, this is incredible; i can’t believe i came upon you and this website. You are an inspiration. I was married 23 years and took emotional abuse from an alcoholic (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde). I can say now, I am happily divorced. Never dreamed it would happen, but so thankful I thought of myself and my boys and our future. I am listening to “What Matters Most” on CD. It’s wonderful. Thanks for all you do.

  • http://www.google.com/ Lucy

    I came, I read this article, I cquonered.